Lost Flock
by MosaicCreme
Summary: On the night before the Normandy heads to Earth to fight the last battle against the reapers, Shepard is filled with an unsettling feeling that she's not going to make it through the war. So, in a moment of sentiment, she decides to write letters to some of the people in her life.
1. Garrus Vakarian

**A/N:** This fic will be updated sporadically, as inspiration strikes and time allows. You will notice that I haven't declared an LI, and I don't intend to for this fic. I will also treat both Kaidan and Ashley as being alive in their letters. I will, however, acknowledge that Thane and Mordin are dead, but still write them letters regardless. All other squadmates are alive.

 _Garrus,_

 _Maybe this is a little clichéd, to be writing letters to my crew on the eve of war just in case … but, just in case, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. I'm going to fight like hell to make sure you never have to read this letter. I plan on surviving this war, but I know … sometimes plans go sideways. Tomorrow … tomorrow, when we're on Earth, fighting for the galaxy, fighting for life itself, I know I'll have to be brave. Keep my 'commander mask' in place. I'll probably give a speech, you know, rally the troops, but inside I'll be terrified. If I do my job right, though, maybe you and the others will be a little less so. You'll listen to me talk, and you'll think there's hope. And who the hell am I to say there isn't?_

 _Still, I can't shake this feeling, down deep in my gut that's telling me I'm not going to make it through. So, here I am being sentimental. I never really took the time to tell you how much you mean to me, Garrus. You've been with me through this from the very beginning. You've been the one to always have my six and support my decisions, no matter what. I trust you more than any other. Though, don't go telling anyone else that. You've been a rock for me, something solid and real though it all. Virmire. Waking up on Cerberus' slab. Horizon. Losing Thane and Mordin. You've been there for me, helping to pull me back from the brink of darkness in those painful moments. A shoulder to lean on, keeping me moving forward when everything seemed lost. Thank you._

 _I want you to know, more than anything, I have faith in you, Garrus Vakarian. You have the potential to be anything, go as far in this crazy life as you want. You're a fantastic leader, and if when this is all over the Spectres are still a thing, I think you should really go for it. Assuming it's something you still want to do. Regardless, whatever you choose to do, don't hold back. Promise me that, promise me you won't hold back … and don't let my death be the thing that stands in your way._

 _Shepard_


	2. Kaidan Alenko

_Kaidan,_

 _If I know you, you're going to read this and start blaming yourself. Start ruminating on all the times we've butted heads in the past and questioning yourself. You're going to sit in some dark corner, drinking enough beer to get a krogan drunk, telling yourself it should've been you instead. You're wrong, Alenko. It shouldn't have been you when Ashley died, and it shouldn't be you now._

 _I'm already dead, Major, I'm not supposed to be here. I burned up in Alchera's atmosphere, I went down with my ship. I'm here on borrowed time right now, and we all knew it'd come to an end sooner or later. Jesus Christ, I'm held together by reaper tech and super glue. I'm … I think I'm ready to rest, Kaidan. I'm not saying I won't fight to stay alive, just … if I don't, let me rest. Don't turn me into some phantasm, lingering around to haunt your dreams._

 _I'm proud of you, you know? I can't think of anyone better to be the second human Spectre. Even if we haven't always seen eye to eye. The Normandy's going to need a new captain, it's only right that she be yours. I know Anderson will agree. Take good care of her, and Joker, too. You'll love the captain's cabin, it's definitely nicer than the old Normandy. Just, uh, if you get fish for that tank, don't be like me and forget to feed them._

 _You're a good man, Kaidan, and I'm proud to have served alongside you. So, if this thing goes sideways, and I don't make it out … I'll tell Ashley you said hello._

 _Shepard_


	3. Ashley Williams

_Ashley,_

 _It's been a good ride, Ash. We had some rough times, you and I, but I think we pulled through. I wanted to tell you that I've seen how much you've grown over these last few years, and I'm proud of you for being willing to let new experiences change your worldview. You've turned into a really strong, beautiful woman, and a damn good soldier. You've got the tenacity to be the best damn Spectre this galaxy's ever seen._

 _And, you know me, if I die fighting this war, I'll still be watching over you. I don't know if this thing between you and James is serious or not, but I think you two are good for each other. He's going places, that one. He's going to need a strong woman at his side, keep him on track. Nothing like thinking your old commander might still be watching you to ruin the moment, eh, Ash?_

 _You know, back when you first joined the Normandy, you were carrying a lot of anger about your position in the Alliance. I can't say I know for sure, whether or not it was because you're General Williams' granddaughter or not, but I can tell you, whatever reasons they had, they made a mistake. I'm glad to see they finally realized that, you deserved your promotion, and you deserve being made Spectre. You're truly one of the finest soldiers I've ever had the privilege to know. Kaidan would be proud of you, too._

 _I don't know what waits us down on Earth, but we're almost there. Whatever it is, I know it's going to be more devastating than any of us are prepared for. But we're going to give it our all, and we're going to win this thing, one way or the other. I have faith in that, because I know, no matter what, I've got the best damn crew I could ever hope for fighting alongside me._

 _Well, if you're actually reading this, it means I didn't make it to the other side of this thing. That's okay. I know I fought like hell, and I'm okay with how things turned out. So long as I know you and everyone else I'm leaving behind are going to have the chance to live long, full lives, free of the fear of reapers. The Normandy's yours, Ash. Take good care of her._

 _Shepard_


	4. Jack aka Subject Zero

_Jack,_

 _So, right about now, you're probably cursing my name, both for getting myself killed and for being stupidly sentimental enough to have written this. I can almost hear your scoff and see your eyes rolling. But I also know, whether you want to admit it or not, inside … you're hurting that I'm gone. I'm sorry, Jack, but I promise you, if I go down, I'm going down swinging. I'm giving this thing my all._

 _I know you don't like hearing this sort of thing, but I think you're amazing. The crap Cerberus put you through was enough to break anyone, but you took it and you used that pain and suffering to make yourself stronger. You didn't come out unscathed, but you wear those scars—physical, mental, and emotional—like badges of honor. As you should. Just don't be afraid to let them go when they're no longer serving you. I think you might already have that part figured out, though, after seeing you with the kids from Grissom Academy. You've done a fantastic job with them, and with a little luck, you aren't mourning any of them right now. If you are though, for what it's worth, I wholly believe you, above anyone else, gave them the best chance at survival. More than anyone else could've._

 _You've got a fire inside of you, and it burns bright. Do me a favor, and don't hide it, don't hide yourself away after this thing is through. You've got friends now—family—with the Normandy crew, who love you and want you to be in their lives. At Grissom Academy, too. Alright, Psychotic Biotic, I've got a million more of these to write while I've still got the time. Give them hell, Jack._

 _Shepard_


	5. Urdnot Wrex

_Wrex,_

 _I hope by the time you're reading this, you're back home on Tuchanka, feasting and drinking ryncol in celebration. You've earned it. What you've done to unite the krogan is truly amazing, something the rest of the galaxy didn't think would even be possible. I know you still have work to do to get everyone there, but maybe coming together to fight the reapers will be the thing that gets the job done._

 _I'm happy to be able to say that I played a part in curing the genophage. I'm counting on you to make sure it's a step the galaxy never feels like they have to take against the krogan again. And … I'm counting on you to forgive and forget, teach your people to do the same. The genophage was a terrible, terrible thing, but if the krogan try to go back to the way things were, or start more wars out of the idea of retribution, it's going to mean that you and I both failed. You've got to show them there's a better way, Wrex._

 _And no, I'm not saying the krogan should become spineless, toothless pushovers for the rest of the galaxy either, or whatever else I know you're thinking. But not everything needs to be solved with violence and dominance, and you know it. Diplomacy works, too, even with the krogan. You're proof of that. Show the rest of the galaxy the krogan can and should be respectable—not just feared—members of the galactic community. Work towards getting an embassy on the Citadel—if the damn thing is still standing—maybe Bakara can be the first krogan ambassador, she'd be perfect. Work your way up, get on the Council. Clean Tuchanka up, rebuild. Just … be great, Wrex, prove them all wrong._

 _Shepard_


	6. Justicar Samara

_Samara,_

 _It has been one of my greatest honors in life getting to know and work with you, Samara. Your devotion to the Justicar Code, the fearlessness and unwavering steadfast with which you faced what truly must've been the most difficult task in your life is awe inspiring. I know you don't want to hear it, and you don't accept it, but my heart aches for you nonetheless. I can't express to you how grateful I am that I was there the day you went to the monastery, how grateful I am that I was able to deter you long enough for Falere to make you see reason. Your daughter is bright and courageous, and I hope the two of you are able to spend many years together still yet._

 _I want to thank you, for being willing to take a chance on me, despite the fact I was neck deep in Cerberus. Your help against the collectors was truly invaluable, and your help now, against the reapers, even more valuable. I hope in our time together, I never did anything to make you question your choice to swear the Oath of Subsumation to me. Obviously I never made you do anything to questionable, or I wouldn't be writing this letter now, but I hope I never gave you cause for concern. If I did, allow me to apologize. Not for doing what needed to be done, but for making you do something you wouldn't have without the oath. When you look back on our time together, I want you to feel as proud to have known me as I am to know you._

 _Shepard_


	7. Liara T'Soni

_Liara,_

 _I think my death may be the hardest for you of all others, for that I am truly sorry. You have been a fantastic friend to me, Liara, and you've done an amazing job as the Shadow Broker. We really couldn't have gotten this far in the war without you. You're a hero. You've come so far from the scared archeologist I found on Therum._

 _Maybe this doesn't need to be said, but I need to clear my conscious of the fears prattling away in the back of my head. I'm glad to have had this second chance at life, even if only for a short time, and even if it was filled with war and tragedy. But, I'm done, Liara. Thank you for getting me to Cerberus after I died last time, but I need you to let me go now. You're the most powerful woman in the galaxy, especially in a time when everything and everyone else has been scattered, broken, or destroyed completely. I have no doubt you could find everything you need to bring me back again, hell, you might've already looked into it and have it as a contingency plan, just waiting at the tip of your fingers. Please don't._

 _If we win this thing and I survive, I will happily live out the rest of my years, joyous to be alive and dead set on doing everything I can to make sure this never happens again. But if I don't, do me a favor and make sure the galaxy doesn't forget just how close we came to annihilation. Remind them, don't let them become so complacent they don't acknowledge a threat when it's brought to them. Never again. And don't let them slide back into idiotic bickering and segregation. We came together to win this war, don't let them give up on that._

 _But don't let Liara be completely consumed by the stole of the Shadow Broker, either. Find the people and things that make you happy and make them your own. Maybe … maybe Feron? It seemed like there might've been something there for you, with the war over, maybe the two of you can find your peace together. Take care of yourself, Liara._

 _Shepard_


	8. Thane Krios

_Thane,_

 _I've been waffling back and forth on whether or not to write to those people I've lost along the way. It's not like I can send this to wherever you ended up, but who knows? Maybe you're watching over me as I write this. Maybe I'll be seeing you soon._

 _We held a memorial for you on the Citadel, at an apartment Anderson gave me after you died. Kolyat reached out to me and asked for my help in organizing it, I thought it was a great idea. Though I'm not really sure it really brought either of us 'closure'. He's come so far since the day I first met him, he's working to get funding for research into Kepral's Syndrome. I know you had mixed feelings about coming back into his life when you were so near to death, but I think it really made a huge impact on him and it's making him a better man._

 _At least … I don't know if he made it off the Citadel before the reapers moved it. I don't know if anyone made it off, but I highly doubt …. I hope he's still alive, I know you'd want him to live a full life, if he's not, though, I hope he's there with you and Irikah._

 _I've been playing that fight with Kai Leng—the assassin who was after the dalatrass—over and over in my head. You charged a man with a sword, Thane. A dangerous man, when you yourself admitted to being in no condition to carry on a fight. You had a gun in your hand, yet you closed the distance between the two of you, putting yourself within reach …. I get it, though. You talked about not wanting to die in a hospital and choosing your own death. I can respect that, I can. I just wish … I don't know. I wasn't prepared for it, but it was an honorable death, you died a hero. Don't worry, I haven't shared my suspicions with anyone else, least of all Kolyat._

 _I killed Kai Leng, and as I shoved my omni-tool blade into his abdomen, I told him it was for you. Though I suspect you wouldn't much approve of the idea of my seeking revenge, not that I would've let him live either way. I'm not troubled by it, though. His life, of all the lives I've taken, will not be a mar on my soul._

 _If by some chance you are able to see this, then know that I'm really glad I had the chance to know you. I really enjoyed the time we shared, talking in Life Support, and fighting together against the collectors. I hope you've found the peace you were looking for._

 _Shepard_


End file.
